Unwell and Can't Stop Thinking Abt You

Have I ever mentioned how closely sufferings and spirituality are related? To me they are very close, closer than most of the things if not all. Why do I say that? Simple. I feel rather weak in my mind and body at the moment. Extremely. I am not exactly sure why.

The thing is You often failed to visit me at these most troubling times. Why suddenly? I never think of You so much. I believe in You, but being constantly in touch with You, thats different. It's not freaky, it's just not natural I feel. It would have been a totally different story if You frequent my thoughts daily even when I am well.

I am feeling rather guilty for not thinking of You much before this. So in a way from all these, I learnt to be more grateful, to thank You genuinely, from the deepest corners of my undimmed heart. Will this new found relationship thrive? Can I hope to find solace in it? Can You at least make my mind be available for freedom?

Someone told me if I move forward two steps to You, You will come running towards me. Do You really love me that much? Do You in turn demand anything in return? If thats the case, I have no choice but to surrender upon You.